Happy birthday

I'm 30 today. And I've spent this birthday like most of others in my adult life.. Upset, angry, and arguing. 22 was a good birthday, the first and last really good one that I can remember actually. We were living in the New Boston house & had a party. Kelvin got me a cake, it was reddish pink checkerboard patterned and had a chef toque & kitchen utensils in icing and said happy birthday Sara with the candle numbers 22. We had fought earlier in the day, but he made it ok for the party. We both got hammered of course, but it was nice. All of our friends were there and everyone had a good time. 

Every holiday before that and since then has been terrible. I've gone from this person that absolutely loves holidays & birthdays to someone that just wants them to hurry up and move I so the hype can die down & life can return to normal. I keep telling myself and others that "it's just another day.." Because that's what I've kept being told & reminded year after year & so that's what I'll stick with.. At least in public.

In private.. As I sit here in the bathroom crying because it's the only private space in our "house" I am hurting and I am angry. I am hurting because for the first time today kelvin gave me a "sympathy card" one of those stupid cheesy 2 line cards that you get from a distant cousin kinda card & wilted flowers that he got at Walmart this morning after work. I DONT LIKE FLOWERS.. I've never liked flowers, they are a waste of money & just shrivel up and die. I would have rather not had anything, honestly. I'd much rather not have anything than some half assed attempt at what he thinks a birthday should be. I've told him 2 things I wanted.. Crawfish & a day just for myself to do anything I wanted, even if it was to just sleep all day or read a book or go to the movies & not have Fenway with me. And I got a pity card & wilted flowers.. And an argument. Happy 30th birthday.. At least I knew what was coming so I'm not disappointed- silver lining I guess..

-S