Happy birthday

I'm 30 today. And I've spent this birthday like most of others in my adult life.. Upset, angry, and arguing. 22 was a good birthday, the first and last really good one that I can remember actually. We were living in the New Boston house & had a party. Kelvin got me a cake, it was reddish pink checkerboard patterned and had a chef toque & kitchen utensils in icing and said happy birthday Sara with the candle numbers 22. We had fought earlier in the day, but he made it ok for the party. We both got hammered of course, but it was nice. All of our friends were there and everyone had a good time. 

Every holiday before that and since then has been terrible. I've gone from this person that absolutely loves holidays & birthdays to someone that just wants them to hurry up and move I so the hype can die down & life can return to normal. I keep telling myself and others that "it's just another day.." Because that's what I've kept being told & reminded year after year & so that's what I'll stick with.. At least in public.

In private.. As I sit here in the bathroom crying because it's the only private space in our "house" I am hurting and I am angry. I am hurting because for the first time today kelvin gave me a "sympathy card" one of those stupid cheesy 2 line cards that you get from a distant cousin kinda card & wilted flowers that he got at Walmart this morning after work. I DONT LIKE FLOWERS.. I've never liked flowers, they are a waste of money & just shrivel up and die. I would have rather not had anything, honestly. I'd much rather not have anything than some half assed attempt at what he thinks a birthday should be. I've told him 2 things I wanted.. Crawfish & a day just for myself to do anything I wanted, even if it was to just sleep all day or read a book or go to the movies & not have Fenway with me. And I got a pity card & wilted flowers.. And an argument. Happy 30th birthday.. At least I knew what was coming so I'm not disappointed- silver lining I guess..

-S

I give..

Sometimes in life there are times when you just throw your hands up and say "ok, I give"- well tonight for me is one of those times. My head and heart are so twisted with doubt and fear and worry and regret and shame and any other emotion you can think of that I can barely even see strait. 

Where is that line? Where is the line between what you are willing to forgo to ensure someone else's happiness while ensuring your misery? When is it ok to be selfish or to put your needs over someone else's? I have lost myself and my faith and my trust in my own heart & I don't know how to regain those things. 

The worst part for me is that these losses haven't been due to some horrible life experience or one big major thing.. It's been small things that have just built up over time and it seems like I just looked up and poof.. Gone. And so for tonight at least, I give.. Whatever life throws, I'll take it. My shoulders are pretty big, at least that's how they feel with all the weight that's on them, so just keep piling it on.. I'll either crumble or come out with really toned legs..

-S

Insecurity

So, as of this Friday.. I will no longer be a culinary arts instructor. 

That title has been my place, my calling, me.. For the last 8 years. It has been my driving force through my 20's. It has gotten me through self doubt and times of indescribable loneliness, fear, and depression. Throughout my life I have always struggled to find my place, to fit, to belong. It's not an emotion one can really describe, but here.. In the world of teaching, I fit. I was, I am great at what I do. And I am leaving it all behind, for now, to dive into what I hope to be even better at and belong steadfast to forever.. Being a wife & mother, whole heartedly without abandon.  

This "chance" has happened upon us without warning and with definite stress and strife. It will be bringing the Hicks family back to our roots in Texarkana, a place that I've made no secret that I don't really want to be.. But Texarkana it is. I am scared and nervous and sad and excited and stressed and emotional all at the same time. I know I am a great teacher (some days more than others!!) but if I'm honest with myself, I don't know that I am a great wife or mother. I know I want to be and I strive to be, but I've always had this other place taken in

My heart and my mind and soul that's been for "my kids..my students" I still remember the name of every student I have ever taught, I still speak to some of them on a regular basis. And I love it. I love feeling like I am making some difference in this world, no matter how small.. It's something. I want to be that something, that someone to my own child and to my own husband, I want the chance to be that difference and through an obscure chance & circumstance.. God is giving me that chance- And so, as I dive head first into my 30's, it looks like this will be the decade of my life, my choices, my family.. The decade of me being exactly where God has sent me and set me up for, wherever that path may lead.. 

Love- S