When you don't know what to pray

Everyone goes through seasons in their life. A roller coaster of highs and lows. I know this, I understand this. Have you even had one of these moments when you just don't have the words. When your emotions are so .. Scrambled .. That even your prayers don't make sense? 

I have been a Christian since I was about 12. I have had my highs and lows my close moments with God and times when I have literally told him to just leave me the hell alone. That is one of the most wonderous things to me, no matter my emotion or anger or resentment.. God is still there & I know it. Some days it's been so dark that I couldn't see Him or feel Him, but that's when my faith kicks in. Even with the faith I have, I am sometimes at a loss.. I literally don't know what to pray. I've always had this sort of "conversation" like prayer.. Like I am talking to a friend and I've found myself lately just saying ya know what.. I don't even know what to say to you or ask of you in this weird awkward hard stressful emotional time, but thank You for the faith to know that even that is ok. Tonight is one of those nights.. I'm tearful and missing my dad and a little homesick and a lot of things have just collided all at once and my emotions and brain and heart are just scrambled.. So tonight I am just praying for sleep.. Keep it simple right?! I really should learn to meditate.. 

Random thoughts

Friendships are a strange and sensitive thing, at least for me it seems. As a kid growing up I was always surrounded with people, I had a lot of friends. It was kind of in stages I guess. There were the normal "groups" in middle school and into highschool and then college. It's strange to me sometimes the way our lives connect and overlap with others and then can so abruptly do an about face as if the friendship never existed. 

There is a group of girls I grew up with, played softball with, was in brownies &girl scouts  with, and shared my life with that have all managed to stay together and connected through college and now into our adult years. When I read posts or see pictures of these "reunions" that happen every so often I get quite sad a always feel a little hurt.  I've never quite felt like I belong anywhere, with any certain group of people.  Most days I am perfectly happy with that, but on days like today it tugs on my heart a little to not have that kind of long life connection with anyone. Now don't get me wrong, my best friend Lauren is the bestest of best friends and I love her more than anything, but our friendship began in our adult years, so we have PLENTY of good stories and even better memories, but not that "oh do you remember in second grade when.." And sometimes when you run across a picture of the "old crew" in highschool or at a softball tournament you wonder if life would be different if those people were still in your life like they are for each other. 

I'm sounding rather whiney tonight & that's not my intention, so until I can collect my thoughts more clearly..