suicide. that word strikes fear into the heart and minds of many many many people. Those that have lost someone to it are some of the most heart sick people I have ever known. There are so many opinions, thoughts, judgments. There has been major controversy over the last few months about the young woman with cancer that moved to Oregon so that she could choose how to end her own life. Technically that is suicide.. living with her cancer or dying from her cancer was not how she wanted to live OR die, so she chose to take her own life.. that simple.
For those that have never dealt with depression or severe anxiety, even the though of taking your own life is selfish & unjustifiable. To some there will NEVER be a though or a reason that severe to end your own life. The phrase "it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem" springs to mind. I do not condone suicide, but I do understand it.
I have battled depression since I was a teenager. Mind numbing, life altering anxiety and depression. I have fought with suicide more than once in my life & it is a very very scary place to be. I have been judged, belittled, ridiculed, and told that I was the most selfish person on the planet for even having thoughts like that or "being able to even consider something like that" - It is by the grace of God that I am still here with all my faculties as some would say!
Depression/Anxiety/Mental Disorders are not something you can CONTROL. You can control your reactions as best as you can, but when something like this gets a hold of you, it is something that you have to fight every single day to overcome & beat. It's like being in a pitch dark cave, blinded, trying to crawl your way out with no sense of direction. I hate hearing people talk about others that suffer with such issues.. things like "they are so weak, they should be able to control it, they're making it up for attention, that is so stupid" it makes my blood boil. If someone breaks their leg, you're not there telling them to walk on it! they're not weak or stupid or doing it for attention to get a cast put on it and let it heal are they?! No. you allow them to have the proper treatment & rest & sometimes physical therapy and then you go on about your life.
For some people, suicide is their only option. It is the only cure for their current illness/disease/predicament/whatever you want to call it. For them, life is the illness. Even when reaching out, talking about it, taking medication (that can sometimes cause it to worsen..) doesn't help, doesn't make any difference. Something in their brain simply doesn't process, the darkness is too overwhelming. Just because they don't have a "terminal illness" but don't want to live this life anymore or die a horrible agonizing painful death doesn't mean they are weak or stupid. It simply means that they have been dealt really sucky cards that they were not equipped to handle for whatever awful reason. For some, simply living is a terminal illness in itself.
Personally, I am too afraid to actually kill myself. Even in all of the torment & anguish I have gone through & put myself & my family through, I could never actually go through with the act of killing myself. I am too scared. I am from a Christian home and I am a christian myself & so I believe that suicide = going to hell. That fear, the fear of Hell vs Heaven, never seeing my dad or grandparents or living eternally with God in a mansion made for me on the streets of gold, of eternal damnation.. that fear is enough to keep me grounded. Now, I have wished & prayed for God to just take me. To spare someone else's life that deserves it, that will make something of themselves, that have a family & a full life to live, that WANT to be here.. I have begged on my knees some nights for that. I have sat in tears in the closet or on the bathroom floor to just be taken away, swept away, because I feel like I don't belong here, in this world. And then the feeling passes and the tears dry up and I pick myself up and move on. But it is always there, lurking in the back of my head & heart. I have to fight the battle most days to keep it from attacking me. This does NOT make me weak or stupid or selfish. This makes me human. Wounded, but human.
I have my faith & my daughter Fenway to help me fight through those rough days & nights. I have a best friend & a mom that know my struggle that I can call anytime I need them to just talk me down. When someone is in a state like that, a manic or panic situation, there is no logic. All there is, is darkness. For me, it's literally the angel/devil on your shoulder kinda thing. There is a constant conversation going on in my head, good & bad & me wrestling with it. Is my life awful? No. My life is pretty good compared to many many people. I have a job, family, a few friends, and my faith. Depression knows NO boundaries & has no limits. It's not selective. It's hell on earth.
What about those people that don't have any of that. That don't have a family or a best friend or their faith. They have nothing. They have to live with the demons that haunt them every minute of every day without having any escape from it. Cancer of the soul. Sometimes, unfortunately enough, no matter how much you talk, how many medications they are on, or how long you try it is simply not enough, they can not endure any longer & they want to choose their own way out. To those that have been there or may be there now.. I am sorry. I am sorry you were dealt the life & cards you were, I am sorry that life is hard & no one seems to understand.. I & OTHERS LIKE YOU DO UNDERSTAND & YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are NOT the only one fighting this battle, you are not weak or silly or stupid, no matter who thinks or says that to you. YOU ARE NOT! You are precious and wonderful and brave.. Brave because you continue to battle something that you can not see with the hope that it will get better. My wish and prayer for those of you that are here is that you can find something to ground you. Faith or friends or family.. that it does get better.. even in all of the darkness, there is light.. reach for it. When the darkness closes in, close you eyes & let it consume you.. feel all the bad, the grief, the hurt, the anger, the bitterness, the resentment, the bad - feel it all. Cry, scream, hide.. whatever it is that YOU need to do. Because in my experience, only when you feel it, every horrible bad heartbreaking thing, then it doesn't have power over you anymore. Blocking it out or trying to keep it from overtaking you is like putting a shoe string on a door to lock it when an army is charging through. Only once you allow yourself to feel it all can you start to heal from it. It's not an easy process, and it's not a one time thing. But the battle is worth it. you are worth it.
Hugs & laughter & understanding are the best remedies. If you are ever faced with someone that battles with this issue, simply listen. Tell them that they are loved or needed or wanted in this life. Judgement is NOT helpful. Sometimes all it takes to pull someone off a ledge is the simple act of REALLY caring. Saying "hey, I'm here.. I don't understand this or what you're going through, but I will not judge you because of it. I am here & I care enough to say that. I care enough to ask you to stay.." Sometimes someone just needs one reason to stay in this life.. you could be that one..
-Sara
