Happy birthday

I'm 30 today. And I've spent this birthday like most of others in my adult life.. Upset, angry, and arguing. 22 was a good birthday, the first and last really good one that I can remember actually. We were living in the New Boston house & had a party. Kelvin got me a cake, it was reddish pink checkerboard patterned and had a chef toque & kitchen utensils in icing and said happy birthday Sara with the candle numbers 22. We had fought earlier in the day, but he made it ok for the party. We both got hammered of course, but it was nice. All of our friends were there and everyone had a good time. 

Every holiday before that and since then has been terrible. I've gone from this person that absolutely loves holidays & birthdays to someone that just wants them to hurry up and move I so the hype can die down & life can return to normal. I keep telling myself and others that "it's just another day.." Because that's what I've kept being told & reminded year after year & so that's what I'll stick with.. At least in public.

In private.. As I sit here in the bathroom crying because it's the only private space in our "house" I am hurting and I am angry. I am hurting because for the first time today kelvin gave me a "sympathy card" one of those stupid cheesy 2 line cards that you get from a distant cousin kinda card & wilted flowers that he got at Walmart this morning after work. I DONT LIKE FLOWERS.. I've never liked flowers, they are a waste of money & just shrivel up and die. I would have rather not had anything, honestly. I'd much rather not have anything than some half assed attempt at what he thinks a birthday should be. I've told him 2 things I wanted.. Crawfish & a day just for myself to do anything I wanted, even if it was to just sleep all day or read a book or go to the movies & not have Fenway with me. And I got a pity card & wilted flowers.. And an argument. Happy 30th birthday.. At least I knew what was coming so I'm not disappointed- silver lining I guess..

-S

I give..

Sometimes in life there are times when you just throw your hands up and say "ok, I give"- well tonight for me is one of those times. My head and heart are so twisted with doubt and fear and worry and regret and shame and any other emotion you can think of that I can barely even see strait. 

Where is that line? Where is the line between what you are willing to forgo to ensure someone else's happiness while ensuring your misery? When is it ok to be selfish or to put your needs over someone else's? I have lost myself and my faith and my trust in my own heart & I don't know how to regain those things. 

The worst part for me is that these losses haven't been due to some horrible life experience or one big major thing.. It's been small things that have just built up over time and it seems like I just looked up and poof.. Gone. And so for tonight at least, I give.. Whatever life throws, I'll take it. My shoulders are pretty big, at least that's how they feel with all the weight that's on them, so just keep piling it on.. I'll either crumble or come out with really toned legs..

-S

Insecurity

So, as of this Friday.. I will no longer be a culinary arts instructor. 

That title has been my place, my calling, me.. For the last 8 years. It has been my driving force through my 20's. It has gotten me through self doubt and times of indescribable loneliness, fear, and depression. Throughout my life I have always struggled to find my place, to fit, to belong. It's not an emotion one can really describe, but here.. In the world of teaching, I fit. I was, I am great at what I do. And I am leaving it all behind, for now, to dive into what I hope to be even better at and belong steadfast to forever.. Being a wife & mother, whole heartedly without abandon.  

This "chance" has happened upon us without warning and with definite stress and strife. It will be bringing the Hicks family back to our roots in Texarkana, a place that I've made no secret that I don't really want to be.. But Texarkana it is. I am scared and nervous and sad and excited and stressed and emotional all at the same time. I know I am a great teacher (some days more than others!!) but if I'm honest with myself, I don't know that I am a great wife or mother. I know I want to be and I strive to be, but I've always had this other place taken in

My heart and my mind and soul that's been for "my kids..my students" I still remember the name of every student I have ever taught, I still speak to some of them on a regular basis. And I love it. I love feeling like I am making some difference in this world, no matter how small.. It's something. I want to be that something, that someone to my own child and to my own husband, I want the chance to be that difference and through an obscure chance & circumstance.. God is giving me that chance- And so, as I dive head first into my 30's, it looks like this will be the decade of my life, my choices, my family.. The decade of me being exactly where God has sent me and set me up for, wherever that path may lead.. 

Love- S

When you don't know what to pray

Everyone goes through seasons in their life. A roller coaster of highs and lows. I know this, I understand this. Have you even had one of these moments when you just don't have the words. When your emotions are so .. Scrambled .. That even your prayers don't make sense? 

I have been a Christian since I was about 12. I have had my highs and lows my close moments with God and times when I have literally told him to just leave me the hell alone. That is one of the most wonderous things to me, no matter my emotion or anger or resentment.. God is still there & I know it. Some days it's been so dark that I couldn't see Him or feel Him, but that's when my faith kicks in. Even with the faith I have, I am sometimes at a loss.. I literally don't know what to pray. I've always had this sort of "conversation" like prayer.. Like I am talking to a friend and I've found myself lately just saying ya know what.. I don't even know what to say to you or ask of you in this weird awkward hard stressful emotional time, but thank You for the faith to know that even that is ok. Tonight is one of those nights.. I'm tearful and missing my dad and a little homesick and a lot of things have just collided all at once and my emotions and brain and heart are just scrambled.. So tonight I am just praying for sleep.. Keep it simple right?! I really should learn to meditate.. 

Random thoughts

Friendships are a strange and sensitive thing, at least for me it seems. As a kid growing up I was always surrounded with people, I had a lot of friends. It was kind of in stages I guess. There were the normal "groups" in middle school and into highschool and then college. It's strange to me sometimes the way our lives connect and overlap with others and then can so abruptly do an about face as if the friendship never existed. 

There is a group of girls I grew up with, played softball with, was in brownies &girl scouts  with, and shared my life with that have all managed to stay together and connected through college and now into our adult years. When I read posts or see pictures of these "reunions" that happen every so often I get quite sad a always feel a little hurt.  I've never quite felt like I belong anywhere, with any certain group of people.  Most days I am perfectly happy with that, but on days like today it tugs on my heart a little to not have that kind of long life connection with anyone. Now don't get me wrong, my best friend Lauren is the bestest of best friends and I love her more than anything, but our friendship began in our adult years, so we have PLENTY of good stories and even better memories, but not that "oh do you remember in second grade when.." And sometimes when you run across a picture of the "old crew" in highschool or at a softball tournament you wonder if life would be different if those people were still in your life like they are for each other. 

I'm sounding rather whiney tonight & that's not my intention, so until I can collect my thoughts more clearly.. 

gain it.. lose it.. gain it..

over a year ago I broke down & went to the "low carb" way of life. it's documented in some of my previous posts. I lost 30lbs in about 3 months. it was wonderful. I felt wonderful, had energy for the first time in years, and actually slept through the night. was it a tough change for me, yes. was it totally worth it, HELL YES! I am very sad to say, however, that I have now gained all the weight back. I know, I know.. "diet this And diet that" but it wasn't a diet for me.. well, now it seems that it was, and I can't even explain why! it was a gradual return to junk & processed foods & convenience  foods & soda.. oh soda. 

Kelvin & I have been discussing getting back to a healthier lifestyle & it's funny to me how a junk filled sugar ridden life is the norm because it's the easiest. but it's really not the easiest, it is simply what we have become accustomed to, conditioned to & IT SUCKS! Plus, I now know 2 people who have been diagnosed with pre-diabetes within the last 2 months & I am currently "coaching" my best friend through the "low carb" way of life! And so dear ones, the time has come.. I want to feel alive again, but mostly I want to just fit into my cute clothes without looking like tennis balls stuffed inside a pair of panty hose!! 

My challenge: 10lbs by Halloween- I'll need all the pep talks I can!! I'm a pretty good motivator as long as I can see results. you'll be on the journey with me! at least I'm not a rookie this time, I've got some good tricks when cravings kick in. 

cheers to getting healthy, losing weight, having energy, and sleeping soundly, and of course.. fitting into last years clothes!! 

loves and hugs- S

Hey Baby.. It's only life

So, sometimes I find myself so caught up in all of the "stuff" that I forget that this life is just that.. it's just life! I get so stressed and worried and caught up in not being a great mom or wife or friend or teacher that i just want to bury my head under the covers and hide for some peace!

THis week at work has been an eventful one.  Without going into too much detail.. I am a part of the Union and the union doesn't like something the administration is changing or wanting to change and so everyone is in an uproar about it all.  There are some of us that are calling BS and just want out of the whole dang thing.  We joked that we were gonna make t-shirts like "Team Jacob or Team Edward' because it's gotten that ridiculous.  I see both sides, I get both sides.  Just let me come in, teach my class, and do my job so I can go home to my family.  If I have a bad day at work because of some bozo's being all butt hurt about something they actually don't seem to have all the facts on then the rest of my day is shot.. then i come home and don't want to hang out or play, i want to sit on the couch and do NOTHING! it sucks the life out of you, it really really does.

Back to it.. so i was thinking the other day & this song "hey baby, it's only life" came on and I LOVED it.. it goes something like this:

Don't look away, don't run away .. hey baby, it's only life
Don't loose your faith, don't run away .. hey baby.. it's only life

and that clicked with me for some reason.  It is only life, an hour, a day, an evening, a class.  That's what we get, 24 hours to make something of ourselves.  If we don't, then we start over the next day.  So there ya go- my rant for the evening.. sort of.. more later!

-S