Reflection

Have you ever had a moment or span of time in your life where you are just surviving? Surviving from one hour to the next, one morning to the afternoon, or one day to the next? I feel as if I am in that season of survival. I normally with very well under pressure or with high levels of stress, but I have found myself in tears under the weight of such stress here lately. When one area of my life is complicated and messy, I can usually throw myself into the other parts of my life to kind of balance out the emotion and clear my head, but that isn't the case as of right now. All areas of my life seem complicated and messy and there doesn't seem to be a comfortable or comforting place to just .. be. I know it is just another "season" but I am VERY ready for this season to pass. And so, I write (or type in this case)

Part of my "first year Ohio teaching" is to keep a "journal" or a log of related topics throughout the year. We have all been paired up with mentors for the first couple of years to try to help with the transition into this life. Brecka, my mentor, has given me my first reflection topic & since I "journal" here already, I've decided that this is how I will keep up with those entries- 

When you are planning a lesson, are you planning for a group or are you planning on each student to gain a skill? what effect will that have on your lesson? 

 This has actually changed for me over the course of my teaching. The smaller my class, the more individual attention I can give them, thus the better my lesson . I started out (even this year) tailoring my lessons to each individual becoming/doing the best that they could do.. playing up each student's strengths. But I have quickly found that with 30 students and a very cramped work space that that specific way of teaching doesn't provide very consistent results. I haven't really found my footing yet when it comes to being in 10 places at once or trying to get each student to just finish 1 sauce!! I know it's a fluctuation of emotions, like a big roller coaster, and I'd like to say that I teach to each individual student because I do believe each student has potential to at least get better/be better.. I just haven't found the balance of how to direct a lab full of students in ALL aspects of the education process & ability. Today i feel like I suck as a teacher 😕 I'm sure tomorrow will be better, at least I hope it will! Sorry for the sour note this evening.. more later

A catch up of sorts

I start this post in the dark of a hotel room in Findlay, OH just as Fenway is starting to wake up and babble to herself.  We are up getting Kelvin settled in and visiting him in our "home away from home" since he will be staying here on the days that he works.  

I am now in week 5 of work and just did my first "parent call outs" to the parents of mine whose child has a D or an F in my class.  It was weird.  To be quite frank, it has all been a little weird.  I am SO very used to college aged/adults in class and teaching teenagers a whole new ball game.  One I am honestly not sure that I want to be a part of more than a season.  I am really hoping that as the year progress that I come more accustomed to the "style" of teaching I've had to develop and can learn to love it as much as I loved my college classes.  

For the first time I am really seeing what damage has been done to younger generations.  I remember being a teenager, believe it or not, but we weren't lazy.  We didn't feel entitled.  I'm sure there were some, as there is with every group, but just as a whole.. I am terrified of what the world will be like, what the culture will be like when Fenway is that age.  There is no respect, no want to learn, and this entitlement of you should just "give it to me" whether it be a grade or a "free day" or "your notes" its amazing.  It is definitely a major reality check and challenge. for me.  I am still adapting and finding my way & I've had several great days with both labs, but then others I am just trudging through to the end of the day & I have never had that feeling before when teaching.  

And the meetings.. OMG THE MEETINGS - I am already barely keeping my head above water with trying to keep up with my next day's lesson (which I am planning the afternoon before & has my OCD and control freak planning at an all time extreme..) and all the events and paperwork and grading etc.  and then they throw in at least 3 meetings a week.. I mean I get it.. actually I don't.  Send me an email and let me work through it myself when I actually some time to breathe.  Or just throw it on my pile. I don't eat lunch most days because I am trying to plan my class for my senior lab! At least I know i'm not in the boat by myself.. several of the teachers I have spoken with feel the same way and are overwhelmed right now, even a few veteran teachers, so that at least makes me feel like not such a nutcase! 

So, as you see - I haven't had much time for updating or writing in general and boy have I felt it! My stress level is at an all time high and my face is freaking out and breaking out, it sucks.  Fenway is officially awake and squawking at me, thus I must put on my Mommy cap & being the day.. More to come lovelies.. much more to come 

-S

not fitting in

It is so insane to me how my mind works sometimes.  That I am a 29 year old successful woman, a wife of 6 years, a mother of an almost 3 year old, a college graduate, a chef, and a teacher.. and yet I seem to forever be a 10-12 year old girl in my mind hoping and praying to fit in.  It is so strange to me, I am so strange to me sometimes and I don't understand why, despite all of the wonderful qualities I possess & who I have grown into or become as an adult, that I am still searching and needing to be liked.

Let me explain my latest moment:  I said in my last post that I had finished my first assignment for my class.  Our first 2 assignments are posted in the "discussion board" where all of the students can view & post replies to your comments.  I just realized that I have logged on 3 plus times JUST to see if anyone has posted a reply to my comments.  SERIOUSLY!! To add insult to injury (no matter how imaginary..) no one has.  The replies I have left asking questions have not been answered either, however, they have answered others.  I know how silly and ridiculous it sounds & I have ABSOLUTELY no idea why I feel so..let down.  Why do I want to fit in with these people whom I have never met & most likely never will?  I double and triple check my entries to make sure they don't sound stupid or uneducated.  Normally, I am a terrific writer, well spoken with witty remarks and good points.  In both of my "discussions" I sound like a weird kid.. a teenager maybe.. Not the well educated, well spoken woman that I am.  I am sure that I am over analyzing, but that doesn't make my anxiety about it any less real or my anxiety about my anxiety any less frustrating!

When does one "come into their own" or "become their own person?" At what point in my life will just being me be enough?

-S

I'm an official college student... again

I just completed my first assignment for my online class with Bowling Green State University!

Let me explain: I accepted the position with Butler Tech, but have to finish some credits to get my Bachelors Degree & to get a teaching certificate in Ohio.  So, I have been enrolled in the Career & Technical Teaching online degree program with BGSU & I am proud to say that I just completed my first assignment! It was only introducing myself & replying to 2 other students.. but hey, ya gotta start somewhere right?!

I am beyond stressed about the move and transition, but super excited as well.. as of right now I am just sunburned (more on that later) and sleepy..

out with the old.. and in with the new

so much to tell.. too much really for one post, so I will try to make it short and sweet.

I have enjoyed being a stay at home mom for the last few months, I've really enjoyed my dedicated time to my heart.. my fenway.  with that being said, I have gotten restless & have been for some time now.  After the Le Cordon Bleu job didn't work out, I was heart broken and pretty down on myself.  I REALLY wanted that job & literally had it in my hands, but had to let it go for what was best for my family at the time.  but.. the restlessness didn't go away. it got stronger in fact.

That restlessness, prayers, and God's little push/shove in the direction I believe He is leading us is...Hamilton, OHIO.. yes, you read it. OHIO - a teaching position with Butler Tech, specifically D. Russel Lee Career and Technology program. We went up this past week (Kelvin, Fenway & myself) took the 14 hour drive up for my face to face interview & teaching a class.  Apparently they LOVED me & I got the job offered on the spot.  SO, in a mater of weeks we will be moving across te the coutry where no one knows us & starting a new job that I am going to LOVE. I'm finding it pretty amazing when you are able to just wait.. wait on God.. on His answers.. on His timing.  That has been and will continue to be my prayer through all of this.  If this is your path, shove me through it! open the doors and gates and lead us through.  Also help the transition be easy and smooth.  Show me what it is that you have me to do here- and trust that You are the ultimate dream maker- This is my dream and we are following in your footsteps behind any open doors!

More later, once my head has time to deflate!!

-S

silver lining in a dark cloud

I wrote yesterday about the dog that had gone missing after he & his owner were in a fatal car wreck on Sunday & that everyone in our community was out searching for him - HE WAS FOUND TODAY! safe & sound - he was spotted near the wreck site this afternoon, so his breeder took his (Duke the dog) father out there & called for him & Duke came right to them.  I know it's just a dog, but to know that he will be living with his owners daughters and can bring them some type of comfort & he wasn't hurt or killed in the accident as well is very heartwarming.  They found him in time to take him to the visitation/viewing of Jeff this evening.  There were literally hundreds of people out looking for this pooch.  I myself went out this morning when someone spotted a "look alike" & searched for awhile. It is so weird that such a tramatic event can bring so many people together.  It sparked a deep discussion between Kelvin & I tonight about our thoughts on the subject & what would happen should we or someone we know go missing & so on.  It got heated, but was in the long run a very good discussion.  I hope you all take the time out to hug your loved ones.. tell them you love them each and every time you leave, you really never know when it could be your last..

-Sara

at a loss with no understanding

anytime someone dies suddenly, whether it be from an accident or an unexpected illness it devastates me.  Even if I do not know the person well or at all, just hearing about it and the family & loved ones that are left behind just absolutely breaks my heart.  Over the past month 4 people that I know of have died suddenly.  I want to pay tribute to them here, even though I didn't know them personally, I know what it is to be the loved one grieving & reeling from the sudden disappearance of your loved one. 

Kevin Guy, 28 - father of 3 (2 boys, one being 7 months old & a girl) husband to wife Angie - He caught a crazy, rare, bacterial pneumonia from hunting & his lungs shut down.  He fought very hard but God had other plans for him.  My heart, tears, & prayers go to his wife & mostly his children.  I know what it is to lose a father @ such a young age.  It's something they will live with FOREVER

Eddie Pettigrew- 48 - father of 4, stepfather of 3. He was the husband of a former church member & mother of an old friend.  He was on blood pressure medication & wasn't watching his diet.. he had a stroke & it killed him.  His wife, Angela, has a 3 year old little boy (all their other children are adults) and just decided to be a stay at home mom about a year ago.. Their entire world is upside down, not to mention other major family issues that she has had to endure over the past 3-4 years.  I just don't understand sometimes how God and lay so much on one person's shoulders.  I understand the premise is "give it to God, He will walk you through it" and so on, and I believe that, BUT I still don't understand the hardships that some of us, some of you, walk through on a daily basis.. while others (not so great people) seem to get off scot free. I know that's not "really" the case in the long run, when it comes to eternity and so on, but that doesn't make our life here on earth any easier.. just saying.

The last two were killed YESTERDAY in a head on collision in my home town (where I had my near fatal wreck 12 years ago)

Jeff Crosswhite - 50's - Jeff was apparently a VERY beloved man in our town.  He owned one of the local Crawfish Huts & played softball.  Social media is going NUTS over the loss of this man, father, & friend.  His dog, a boxer named Duke, was with him when the wreck happened & was not found ANYWHERE on scene so there is a literal manhunt/doghunt going on for this dog.  People that have no idea who this guy is/was have come out to hunt & look hoping to find him to return him to Jeff's daughters in the deepest time of grieving.  If we lived closer to the area I would be right there with them.  Something about animals bonds people together.  It is amazing to see how a community will come together to help those grieving around them.  All I can say is that I hope that when my time does come that my family receives the same kind of outpouring of love that this family has received & that I am spoken of as highly as Jeff is and will continue to be.  Prayers & love for his family & those grieving his loss.

Daniel Squibb - 17 - there are no words to describe a pain this deep. I was 16 when I had my near fatal wreck & remember the anguish my mom went through those first few hours when I was in and out of consciousness.  I can not imagine what his family is going through right now.  I REALLY don't understand this.. I will never understand someone so young with so much to live for being taken.  I know accidents happen and yada yada but why can't they happen to someone who deserves them to happen to?! Why not some 90 year old who had lived a full life, why not a crack head that doesn't want to live, why not someone who desperately wants to die & begs to die on a daily basis just to escape this life.. why take a happy, healthy, teenager that has his whole life in front of him?! once again, I have no words..

I am a Christian, I am saved, I believe that upon my death I will rise with my savior Jesus Christ & live forever in the kingdom of heaven.  but just because I am all of those thing & believe all of those things doesn't mean that I don't have the right to be angry.  It doesn't mean that I don't have the right to not understand & question God about why.  Does my anger & questioning make Him any less of a God or me any less of a believer?! No. It makes Him God & me HUMAN.  I wish people would stop saying "He'll never give you more than you can handle" - THAT IS A LOAD OF BS - and.. someone please show me in the Bible where that is quoted - you can't, because IT'S NOT! God will never give you more than HE can handle.. but not you. 

So tonight, I am angry & sad & mad & grieving for those that have lost loved ones too soon & for the children that will grow up without a father because it is hard & it only gets harder as you get older.  I will always question why God, why this person and why now.. We were not made to understand such things, but that's ok because God knows that.  He does not get angry with our anger or resentful with our questions.  I know there is a bigger plan, a bigger picture that my humanness can't see until I am with my father (and my dad/granddad/grandmother) in my eternal home, but sometimes I really just wish I could get a glimpse.. to know what it all means.. to know that it's not all for nothing.

So for those of you out there reading (there has to be at least one.. I hope..maybe?!) please say a quick prayer for these families.. they are hurting more than anyone can imagine & this is something everyone can do no matter who you are or whether you know them or not.. let's all be a flicker of light in this very dark time -

To you Kevin, Eddie, Jeff, & Daniel - you are remembered & your families are in our thoughts & prayers.