I got my wish -

Monday I had said that our "sleety/freeze" day was just a tease & that I wanted to have at least 1 REAL snow day this year like we have had every other year since I can remember.. well today was that day! It started snowing around 9am and didn't stop until 4ish this afternoon! It was such a fantastic day, except that Kelvin still had to go to work =( Fenway & I made an upside down snowman (he was standing on his head!) sadly he got tired and fell over a few hours later.. we made snow ice cream, Kota got to run & play in the snow, it was beautiful, there are pics posted all over social media of families out together having a good old fashioned family snow day.  all the schools were closed & most people were off of work.  It was great to see everyone unplug for awhile & spend some good quality time together. I'll post our pics later once my phone finishes updating & I can move them over to our computer.  Kelvin's mom came over for awhile tonight and we played and - played and played and played some more (there may have been a glass of wine & a wine cooler thrown in there too.. hehe) but overall, it was my wish come true.  Sadly, over 7,000 people in the surrounding area are without power.  Our local churches & Red Cross have setup shelters around the area for those that don't have any heat & some schools have closed again tomorrow because of this.  Thankfully we DO have power, but I was prepared anyway!! You really never know when some type of disaster or emergency may hit & with a little one with us now, I can't be over prepared.  Hope you all are having a warm & cozy night -

-Sara

cold & sleety..

I dunno if "sleety" is an actual word, I doubt it, but you get the gist!  So in Texarkana, when the weather even starts to look like it may sleet/freezing rain/snow the entire town goes flipping nuts.. NUTS!! It was pretty funny last night & this morning reading the posts on facebook from parents about schools closing (or not closing) - it was 34-36 degrees this morning with NO PRECIPITATION & parents were pissed that school wasn't canceled! Then around 10 am it did start LIGHTLY sleeting & the entire town went crazy.  Most area schools ended up letting out early (1 or 2 vs 3..) and all schools have opted for a delay start for tomorrow morning, even though it hasn't sleeted/rained/snowed for hours now.  Oh the life of living in East Texas where just 2-3 days ago it was 70 degrees..

On a family note- due to pure safety precautions, Fenway has started sleeping in her own room.  For over a year now she has always slept in her crib or pack & play in our room.  First out of necessity (we didn't have another room @ our old house) and then because of my proctective mama bear emotions.  I just liked having her in the room with us, it makes me feel so much more secure, especially when Kelvin works nights - anyway - last night I laid her down as I always do & as I was writing my last post I heard her squeal so I went to check on her.  There was my 2 1/2 year old mountain climber planking on the edge of her pack & play!! she had gotten her body pillow just right & was able to scale the sides! I wish I could have gotten a picture, but safety is more important that a captured moment on film.. So, into her own room & big crib she went.  I didn't sleep very well as I went to check on her every hour.. she however, did fantastic & slept through the night. 

Since we're on the subject of Kelvin working nights - a few months ago I posted a rant about his not getting the job he was up for because of the misunderstanding about the "credit card" while he was on a business trip in Ohio, well, he DID get the second position!! now this is kinda hush hush still, so SHHHH! I am so incredibly proud of him & for him! They are still working out the money thing & overtime thing, but he will go from working a month on days/month on nights to M-F 7-3:30!! We get our daddy & hubby back & I am so flipping excited! He has worked his ass off for this job & he SO deserves it! He is living proof that hard work & dedication can pay off - CONGRATS KELVIN BROOK - I am so so so so so proud & happy for you.. and I love you =)

We are hoping to hear from the genetics Dr. tomorrow about Fenway's appointment with them, so fingers crossed that it's sooner rather than later-

Today's "precipitation" just kinda made me mad. I LOVE snow.. LOVE LOVE snow.. and normally we have at least 1 good snowy day a year, but today was really just a tease.  So, I have my fingers crossed that we have one more actual "snow day" coming to us before winter leaves us-

What does your town do when it snows/rains/sleets/precipitates?! Are they as crazy as East TX?

Have a great evening lovelies -
-Sara

and I'm back -

So to catch you all up on what has happened over the last several months -

I accepted the job @ Le Cordon Bleu Dallas.  Kelvin & I went to find a house or apartment & to look for a nanny/sitter/daycare for Fenway.  We had also decided that Kelvin was going to stay in Texarkana for awhile & continue working until he could hopefully transfer to the plant in Dallas.  Long story short- EVERYTHING that could have gone wrong, did.  My prayer had been "God, if this opportunity isn't the right choice, please close the door for it" and boy DID HE EVER! So, after a lot of thought & discussion, I ended up having to decline the job.  I was heartbroken, still am a little, but it was what was best for our little family for now.  I do feel extremely stupid for quitting my job before I knew the LCB one was a for sure thing, but I guess ya live ya learn.  So for now, I am a stay at home mom/wife.  It's going ok.  not great, but ok.  It's more of a transition than I thought it would be, plus Kelvin is working crazy hours to make up for my loss of income & that sucks.  There really isn't any other job here in Texarkana that I can do, so I have thought about going to nursing school.  That is another career that I am interested in & that I could make a good career of here in TK.

We did move into the house in Texarkana, AR & I love it.  2 things that I don't like about it - the back yard floods when it rains & there are wasps.. tons and tons of wasps.  We have had a very warm winter & every time we have a warm day we are finding 1-4 wasps in the house.  IT IS AWFUL.  We have had a pest company come & spray for them but they are still here!!

Fenway had an MRI done a couple of weeks ago & we got the results.  They did give us some answers.  She has what is called: Chiari Malformation of the brain.  This means that the cerebral tonsils (the padding in the brain that cushions the cerebellum) have herniated through the base of her skull & are being pinched.  So those nerves are not working correctly & could be causing most if not all of her symptoms & delays.  There may also be a back up of CFS (spinal cord fluid) but we won't know that until we meet with the specialists.  There is a surgery that can be done to relieve the pressure, BUT there are some serious risks to the surgery & there is no guarantee that it would alleviate her symptoms.  We will know more in the coming weeks once we get in to see the specialists.  It is extremely scary & nerve wracking, but we are thankful that we finally have some answers as to what is causing the delay. 

We got a dog.  He's a French Mastiff named Kota & I absolutely love him.  The dog hair & extra vacuuming not so much, but he is wonderful.  Kelvin isn't too keen on him.. he's only ever had puppies, never a "dog" so he kinda freaks him out some.  He is very well trained, but he still has some puppy in him so he barks & tries to jump & play with Fenway & kelvin doesn't like it.  We may end up having to find him a new home though =( If all of this plays out with fenway the way we're afraid it will then we will have to be extra careful about her falling or getting knocked down, so with him being so big, that's an issue.  I'm hoping that getting him neutered next week will help calm him down some, so we will see.  I am already in love with him & will be heartbroken if we have to find him a new home, but Fenway comes first. 

That's pretty much it for now.. we finally got a new computer (I had always updated from my work computer..) so I will be able to post much more often now! Will keep everyone updated on Fenway's condition as we know more. Until then - Hope your life is wonderful!

-Sara

a new opportunity..

after my last post about being restless & unhappy in the "job" area of my life, I decided to do something about it! So I posted my resume online on a few sites just to see if I would get a bite and you know what.. I DID! Several in fact! That simple fact alone helped boost my "blues" to light green or almost pink.  So I'm gonna make a long story short - 

Le Cordon Bleu of Dallas has a full time instructor job opening.  I am up for the position.  They want to have the position filled in 3 WEEKS.. yep, the start date is DECEMBER 29.  that's INSANE right?! my first interview went very well & I have a second interview today with the campus director.  but if all goes well, we would be packing up and moving 3ish hours away, moving fenway around to a new facility (or trying to find a nanny), I would be starting a new job (teaching), and kelvin and I would be separated during the week for a few months until he can get his job moved.. ALL IN 3 WEEKS! Plus, all this worry may be for nothing, they could choose to NOT offer me the position.. but I've got my fingers crossed.  CROSS YOUR FINGERS TOO!! 

It would be a wonderful opportunity.  I miss teaching dearly.  The pay is quite a bit more than I am making now.  We want to move out of this area & somewhere new. The hours are workable with vacation & all weekends off. It's a much bigger city, so once Fenway is settled there are MANY more opportunities for her & her therapy.  There is a Cooper Tire warehouse there that Kelvin could transfer to.  The housing market isn't too insane (a little more than what we rent for now..) so all in all it is a great opportunity, BUT, I am still scared! This would be huge.. and IN 3 WEEKS.. I think that is the thing that has me freaking out a bit, that I don't have time to really assess and make a plan and execute.  And then my mind reverts back to : dude, they haven't formally offered you the job yet so quit freaking out!! - AHHHHHAAAHHHH! 

Ok, i'm done =) My interview is @ 3:00 today, I'll let you lovelies know how it goes - FINGERS CROSSED XX

-Sara

restless

I think for everything there is a season.  I'm am currently in a season of restlessness.  I can't seem to shake it not matter what I do.  I have read a lot lately about "being content" in your life, whatever & wherever God has placed you that sometimes He simply asks that we be content our current circumstances.  While I believe in that, I also believe that He can make you restless to invoke change.  Change in location, in mindset, in friendships, in family, in work, in your calling, simply in life.  My current situation revolves around my job.  This time last year I left a job I loved because I was at my wits end, I disliked the director of our culinary program & what was worse was that I had no respect for him at all.  I woke up every day not wanting to go to work because I didn't want to have to deal with his B.S. It was at that time I started saying a simple prayer - God, put me where you want me to be.  Grab my hand and lead me or hold me steady.  It was just a few days later that I put in for my current job & all the doors & windows seemed to simply open up seamlessly & so I walked through them.  

While the hours are great (8-4 M-F) with christmas & summers off.. and the pay is.. decent (about $4,000 less than I was making) and the drive time is less (45 min vs 1.5 hours..) I am restless.  I miss teaching DEARLY.  I miss preparing for my upcoming class & learning more and more each year so that I can teach my students.  I miss sharing my knowledge with others.  I miss being a chef & being in the kitchen every day teaching something new & getting my hands dirty.  I do NOT miss the 30+ lbs I gain each year because of tasting, but I can work around that!

I am also in a season of wanting to move.  To get out of this place that I have called home for most of my life.  There is simply not anything tying us here.  Our extended family situation is.. complicated.. at best.  I would still see my mom just as much if we moved as we do now living in the same town.  I'm not even going to get started on Kelvin's family right now.  I want to just pick up & start somewhere new, reinvent ourselves & our family to make it what WE want it to be.

On a whim last week, I put in several job applications.. just to see what would happen, would I get a bite or not?  Well, I did! One from a start-up company in IL & one from Le Cordon Bleu in Dallas for a chef instructor position!  I haven't been able to actually get the guy on the phone to have an actual interview for Dallas, but it was a definite ego boost to even get a call back.  Sometimes I think maybe we just need a little "pick me up" to get us out of our funk.. and sometimes that pick me up may lead to the rest of your life.

I'm not sure yet which of those it is for me, but I will let you know as soon as I figure it out!!

Fingers crossed guys XX

-Sara

a sensitive issue, no judgement needed -

suicide. that word strikes fear into the heart and minds of many many many people.  Those that have lost someone to it are some of the most heart sick people I have ever known.  There are so many opinions, thoughts, judgments. There has been major controversy over the last few months about the young woman with cancer that moved to Oregon so that she could choose how to end her own life.  Technically that is suicide.. living with her cancer or dying from her cancer was not how she wanted to live OR die, so she chose to take her own life.. that simple.

For those that have never dealt with depression or severe anxiety, even the though of taking your own life is selfish & unjustifiable.  To some there will NEVER be a though or a reason that severe to end your own life.  The phrase "it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem" springs to mind. I do not condone suicide, but I do understand it.

I have battled depression since I was a teenager.  Mind numbing, life altering anxiety and depression.  I have fought with suicide more than once in my life & it is a very very scary place to be.  I have been judged, belittled, ridiculed, and told that I was the most selfish person on the planet for even having thoughts like that or "being able to even consider something like that" - It is by the grace of God that I am still here with all my faculties as some would say!

Depression/Anxiety/Mental Disorders are not something you can CONTROL.  You can control your reactions as best as you can, but when something like this gets a hold of you, it is something that you have to fight every single day to overcome & beat. It's like being in a pitch dark cave, blinded, trying to crawl your way out with no sense of direction.   I hate hearing people talk about others that suffer with such issues.. things like "they are so weak, they should be able to control it, they're making it up for attention, that is so stupid" it makes my blood boil.  If someone breaks their leg, you're not there telling them to walk on it! they're not weak or stupid or doing it for attention to get a cast put on it and let it heal are they?! No. you allow them to have the proper treatment & rest & sometimes physical therapy and then you go on about your life.

For some people, suicide is their only option.  It is the only cure for their current illness/disease/predicament/whatever you want to call it.  For them, life is the illness.  Even when reaching out, talking about it, taking medication (that can sometimes cause it to worsen..) doesn't help, doesn't make any difference.  Something in their brain simply doesn't process, the darkness is too overwhelming.  Just because they don't have a "terminal illness" but don't want to live this life anymore or die a horrible agonizing painful death doesn't mean they are weak or stupid.  It simply means that they have been dealt really sucky cards that they were not equipped to handle for whatever awful reason.  For some, simply living is a terminal illness in itself.

Personally, I am too afraid to actually kill myself.  Even in all of the torment & anguish I have gone through & put myself & my family through, I could never actually go through with the act of killing myself.  I am too scared.  I am from a Christian home and I am a christian myself & so I believe that suicide = going to hell.  That fear, the fear of Hell vs Heaven, never seeing my dad or grandparents or living eternally with God in a mansion made for me on the streets of gold, of eternal damnation.. that fear is enough to keep me grounded.  Now, I have wished & prayed for God to just take me.  To spare someone else's life that deserves it, that will make something of themselves, that have a family & a full life to live, that WANT to be here.. I have begged on my knees some nights for that.  I have sat in tears in the closet or on the bathroom floor to just be taken away, swept away, because I feel like I don't belong here, in this world.  And then the feeling passes and the tears dry up and I pick myself up and move on.  But it is always there, lurking in the back of my head & heart.  I have to fight the battle most days to keep it from attacking me.  This does NOT make me weak or stupid or selfish.  This makes me human.  Wounded, but human.

I have my faith & my daughter Fenway to help me fight through those rough days & nights.  I have a best friend & a mom that know my struggle that I can call anytime I need them to just talk me down.  When someone is in a state like that, a manic or panic situation, there is no logic.  All there is, is darkness.  For me, it's literally the angel/devil on your shoulder kinda thing.  There is a constant conversation going on in my head, good & bad & me wrestling with it.  Is my life awful? No.  My life is pretty good compared to many many people.  I have a job, family, a few friends, and my faith.  Depression knows NO boundaries & has no limits.  It's not selective.  It's hell on earth.

What about those people that don't have any of that.  That don't have a family or a best friend or their faith.  They have nothing.  They have to live with the demons that haunt them every minute of every day without having any escape from it.  Cancer of the soul. Sometimes, unfortunately enough, no matter how much you talk, how many medications they are on, or how long you try it is simply not enough, they can not endure any longer & they want to choose their own way out.  To those that have been there or may be there now.. I am sorry.  I am sorry you were dealt the life & cards you were, I am sorry that life is hard & no one seems to understand.. I & OTHERS LIKE YOU DO UNDERSTAND & YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are NOT the only one fighting this battle, you are not weak or silly or stupid, no matter who thinks or says that to you. YOU ARE NOT! You are precious and wonderful and brave.. Brave because you continue to battle something that you can not see with the hope that it will get better.   My wish and prayer for those of you that are here is that you can find something to ground you.  Faith or friends or family.. that it does get better.. even in all of the darkness, there is light.. reach for it.  When the darkness closes in, close you eyes & let it consume you.. feel all the bad, the grief, the hurt, the anger, the bitterness, the resentment, the bad - feel it all.  Cry, scream, hide.. whatever it is that YOU need to do.  Because in my experience, only when you feel it, every horrible bad heartbreaking thing, then it doesn't have power over you anymore.  Blocking it out or trying to keep it from overtaking you is like putting a shoe string on a door to lock it when an army is charging through.  Only once you allow yourself to feel it all can you start to heal from it.  It's not an easy process, and it's not a one time thing.  But the battle is worth it.  you are worth it.

Hugs & laughter & understanding are the best remedies.  If you are ever faced with someone that battles with this issue, simply listen.  Tell them that they are loved or needed or wanted in this life.  Judgement is NOT helpful.  Sometimes all it takes to pull someone off a ledge is the simple act of REALLY caring.  Saying "hey, I'm here.. I don't understand this or what you're going through, but I will not judge you because of it.  I am here & I care enough to say that.  I care enough to ask you to stay.." Sometimes someone just needs one reason to stay in this life.. you could be that one..

-Sara

doctor visits, family, & thanksgiving

last week (Thanksgiving week) was INSANELY busy for us & our little trooper.  First, we had follow up appointments with Fenway's opthamologist, gastroenterologist, & ENT -

Fenway reading a story in the waiting room

we are continuing with GFDF (gluten free/dairy free) with her, all of her ENT issues were resolved & we will have another swallow study done in the spring to hopefully get her off the thickened stuff! It turns out that she does have to get glasses =( She went from a -.5 to a -4 with her vision & is nearsighted.  We'll be going to get her fitted for her glasses this week, that should be super fun (note the sarcasam!)

We were in Little Rock Monday & Tuesday for those appointments, then headed to Warranton Missouri Tuesday afternoon to spend thanksgiving with Kelvin's Aunt/Uncle/Cousins.  Fenway was a TROOPER! We are seriously blessed to have such an amazing little girl.  She was great in her car seat for the 7ish hour trip there, only started getting agitated about 30 minutes away from our destination. I don't care who ya are, that's HUGE for a 2 year old!

Selfie time!

enjoying the ride

awesome kid cashed out on the way!

We got to Missouri late Tuesday night.  No, we didn't encounter any of the Ferguson craziness.  His family actually used to live in Ferguson! They moved out to their farm about 2 years ago.  We went up I-55 to avoid any issues.  When I checked the forecast the week before, it was supposed to be in the 40's and higher all week with no snow, I was sad.  BUT.. we woke up Wednesday morning to snow!!! about an inch or so of the good kind that's great for building snowmen & snowball fights.  I was SUPER excited! We took Fenway out in it for a bit, she was super excited at first..

SNOOOWWWW!

CRUNCHING THE SNOW

WITH MOMMY IN THE SNOW

FELL IN THE SNOW

once she got down, she decided she wanted to see how the snow tastes..and her hands got cold!

All in all, the snow was fun! I hope we get to go back next year so that we can build a snowman together.  AND I hope it snows at home this year so we can have all our gloves & stuff with us! Maybe then she'd like it a little bit more..

Thanksgiving Day came around & it was wonderful.  The guys went hunting that morning, but didn't kill anything.  I helped Aunt Mindy cook dinner - Roasted Turkey, Fried Turkey, Sweet Potatoes, Cornbread Dressing, Bread Stuffing, Mashed Potatoes, Giblet Gravy, Green Bean Casserole, Corn, Pear Fritters & Tarts & Apple Pie.. Talk about delicious!!

Friday we went to St. Louis and ate at Kelvin's favorite restaurant - Blueberry Hill.  It was ok, not nearly as great as I remember it being =( We went grocery shopping too and Fenway got to ride in her first "car buggy" so stinkin cute!

Best pic I could get.. Blueberry Hill, St. Louis

Fenway Buggy Driver!

We got some great family time, hunting, gathering, & the likes.  They live on a farm & raise bee's for honey, chickens, gardens, process their own meat for summer sausage/jerky/meats, & pickle/can all their produce.  We came home with some gooooodies! I'll post those pics later..

I've really got to get better at taking pictures in the moment. I didn't get ANY family pictures with the kiddos or all of us together =( 

All in all, it was a FANTASTIC, drama free, much needed vacation.  I'm hoping we will have the money to be able to do it again next year.  They seriously have the two best, most well mannered kids (Gabby & Hunter 12ish & 10ish) who LOVED playing with Fenway.  I loved seeing how their family works and interacts.  I've always wanted to live a sustainable lifestyle, get a little piece of property.. 10 acres or so.. and put down roots.  Raise chickens & have a good garden & a couple livestock for meat.  Randy is very in tune with his Native American roots (they are registered Choctaw Indian) and I'm hoping spending some time with them will get that spark ignited in Kelvin.  There is just something so fulfilling about that way of life, living off the land and such.  

More to come later - I read a FABULOUS book on the way there so I'll tell ya all about it later this week when I've got some time =) Some anxiety & work issues popped up once we got home, so more on that too once I've got it worked out in my head.. 

How was your holiday? Any good stories to share?

-Sara