Just me.. and introduction of sorts

I have always been the keeper of a fairly extensive Diary/Journal/Me Page.. whatever you'd like to call it in your world.  I even name my diaries. I name them so that in my writings, it feels like I am having a conversation with a friend instead of just ranting on in the pages.  "MJ - My Journal" has been my closest friend and source of comfort since I can remember.  Sadly, in the last few years, I have not been writing as I used to & I miss it, terribly.  Life has been so chaotic, SO CHAOTIC! I look at my life now sometimes and sit and just wonder.. how did I get here? How did I end up with this life, this job, this family, these friends.. I used to be able to go back to MJ when I started feeling like this and track my movements, my moods, and the changes and decisions that lead one to the places we end up.  

It has been said to me (more than once..) that MJ isn't a good thing for me.  That I ONLY write when things are bad or I'm stressed or the baby is getting to me or my husband is on my last nerve and so on, and I guess that actually is true (as much as i HATE to admit it) I'd like to think that I only write when things are stressful because it helps to get the moment out.  If I get it out on paper then it is outside of my body, outside of my mind and I can see it more clearly, see it for what it is (however irrational it may be) and then move on.  Sometimes this is the case, sometimes it isn't.  I'd also like to think that I don't write about the good times because those memories are naturally stored in my head, my go-to reel that I can recall when things are bad.. but that isn't the case either.  

I seem to be lost.  Lost in a place that is of my own creation.  Lost in my own head. Lost in the chaos of .. well.. nothing.  I am not happy, it's that simple.  I am content, but not happy, not filled with joy, or excited to wake up each day and dive into my life.  I simply feel like I am existing and I DON'T LIKE IT! so.. this is my wake up call to myself  HEY KID.. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS" <---- my inner voice (actually I hear my Dad's voice when I talk to myself, but more on that later) so this is my solution.  I've been an active reader of blogs for some time now & read a post just this morning on Foxs Lane Blog that gave me this idea..

And so - here it is - Hick's Haven (That's me, Sara Hicks, and this blog shall be my new MJ.. my safe haven) to just .. be. I'm not here to sell things or endorse things.  I'm simply here to be me, or more importantaly, to grow into the me that I want to become.  I'd love feedback (for anyone who actually reads) and I'd love some lively discussions about decisions or the inner workings of 'why choose this way or why do you think this way' so on and so forth.  

So.. Let's start from the very beginning - a very good place to start =) - I enjoy movie quotes quite a bit so I will use them from time to time when they seem appropriate 

So this is me.. Sara .. this actual picture was taken SEVERAL years ago, but it is still one of my favorites and so I share it with you now.  

This is my little family - Me, my hubbs (Kelvin), and our precious daughter Fenway. This is a recent pic of us all, taken about 2 weeks ago actually!

There is a long back story with hubbs and I, as I am sure there is with most any couple, but we will get into that as time progresses I'm sure.  

The basics for now on our little life - I am a Le Cordon Bleu trained chef, but I didn't graduate high school, I actually got my GED because of a horrific car accident when I was 16.  I have worked in all areas of food service but I'm currently the Food Service Director aka "head cafeteria lady" for a small public school in Texas.  I am still coming to terms with that title and the job itself.  Before this gig, I was a culinary arts instructor at a small community college in northeast texas & I ADORED it.  I miss teaching very very very much, but sometimes when you've had enough of the "higher ups" that always seem to get hired for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON what soever except for who they know.. not going to start that rant right now! I am blessed to have a M-F 8-4 job that allows me the freedom of my evenings & weekends with our daughter.  

Our daughter.. Fenway. She is a perfectly delightful 2 year old that has been diagnosed GDD (global developmental delayed) meaning that age wise she is 2, mentally/cognitively she is 12-16 months. there will be MUCH more on this subject in later posts, but all I have the energy to say right now is that it is hard.  I love being a mother, I was born to be a mother, but being a mother to a special needs child (although very basic in those terms compared to others I've read up on) is not something one is every prepared for.  I am still working on accepting & finding our "new normal" but every day is hard for me mentally.  This is not me whining or crying or anything.  Just simply stating that I NEVER expected nor was I prepared for this type of life with my child.  She isn't talking yet, not a word.. not mama dadda baby bye bye, nothing. I have to fight with myself on a daily basis to not be down or frustrated or impatient or any other self loathing type of emotion because I JUST WANT TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH MY KID!! but.. she is beautiful and witty and little firecracker who NEVER sits still! I love her with every fiber and feeling I have in me & I will fight for her success (whatever that may end up being) until my very last breath. 

I feel like this is a very long first post, so I'm going to end it here I think.. 

so here's to happy & healthy & joy in our lives.. whatever or whomever that may be at the moment 

-Sara