Happy birthday

I'm 30 today. And I've spent this birthday like most of others in my adult life.. Upset, angry, and arguing. 22 was a good birthday, the first and last really good one that I can remember actually. We were living in the New Boston house & had a party. Kelvin got me a cake, it was reddish pink checkerboard patterned and had a chef toque & kitchen utensils in icing and said happy birthday Sara with the candle numbers 22. We had fought earlier in the day, but he made it ok for the party. We both got hammered of course, but it was nice. All of our friends were there and everyone had a good time. 

Every holiday before that and since then has been terrible. I've gone from this person that absolutely loves holidays & birthdays to someone that just wants them to hurry up and move I so the hype can die down & life can return to normal. I keep telling myself and others that "it's just another day.." Because that's what I've kept being told & reminded year after year & so that's what I'll stick with.. At least in public.

In private.. As I sit here in the bathroom crying because it's the only private space in our "house" I am hurting and I am angry. I am hurting because for the first time today kelvin gave me a "sympathy card" one of those stupid cheesy 2 line cards that you get from a distant cousin kinda card & wilted flowers that he got at Walmart this morning after work. I DONT LIKE FLOWERS.. I've never liked flowers, they are a waste of money & just shrivel up and die. I would have rather not had anything, honestly. I'd much rather not have anything than some half assed attempt at what he thinks a birthday should be. I've told him 2 things I wanted.. Crawfish & a day just for myself to do anything I wanted, even if it was to just sleep all day or read a book or go to the movies & not have Fenway with me. And I got a pity card & wilted flowers.. And an argument. Happy 30th birthday.. At least I knew what was coming so I'm not disappointed- silver lining I guess..

-S

I give..

Sometimes in life there are times when you just throw your hands up and say "ok, I give"- well tonight for me is one of those times. My head and heart are so twisted with doubt and fear and worry and regret and shame and any other emotion you can think of that I can barely even see strait. 

Where is that line? Where is the line between what you are willing to forgo to ensure someone else's happiness while ensuring your misery? When is it ok to be selfish or to put your needs over someone else's? I have lost myself and my faith and my trust in my own heart & I don't know how to regain those things. 

The worst part for me is that these losses haven't been due to some horrible life experience or one big major thing.. It's been small things that have just built up over time and it seems like I just looked up and poof.. Gone. And so for tonight at least, I give.. Whatever life throws, I'll take it. My shoulders are pretty big, at least that's how they feel with all the weight that's on them, so just keep piling it on.. I'll either crumble or come out with really toned legs..

-S

Insecurity

So, as of this Friday.. I will no longer be a culinary arts instructor. 

That title has been my place, my calling, me.. For the last 8 years. It has been my driving force through my 20's. It has gotten me through self doubt and times of indescribable loneliness, fear, and depression. Throughout my life I have always struggled to find my place, to fit, to belong. It's not an emotion one can really describe, but here.. In the world of teaching, I fit. I was, I am great at what I do. And I am leaving it all behind, for now, to dive into what I hope to be even better at and belong steadfast to forever.. Being a wife & mother, whole heartedly without abandon.  

This "chance" has happened upon us without warning and with definite stress and strife. It will be bringing the Hicks family back to our roots in Texarkana, a place that I've made no secret that I don't really want to be.. But Texarkana it is. I am scared and nervous and sad and excited and stressed and emotional all at the same time. I know I am a great teacher (some days more than others!!) but if I'm honest with myself, I don't know that I am a great wife or mother. I know I want to be and I strive to be, but I've always had this other place taken in

My heart and my mind and soul that's been for "my kids..my students" I still remember the name of every student I have ever taught, I still speak to some of them on a regular basis. And I love it. I love feeling like I am making some difference in this world, no matter how small.. It's something. I want to be that something, that someone to my own child and to my own husband, I want the chance to be that difference and through an obscure chance & circumstance.. God is giving me that chance- And so, as I dive head first into my 30's, it looks like this will be the decade of my life, my choices, my family.. The decade of me being exactly where God has sent me and set me up for, wherever that path may lead.. 

Love- S

When you don't know what to pray

Everyone goes through seasons in their life. A roller coaster of highs and lows. I know this, I understand this. Have you even had one of these moments when you just don't have the words. When your emotions are so .. Scrambled .. That even your prayers don't make sense? 

I have been a Christian since I was about 12. I have had my highs and lows my close moments with God and times when I have literally told him to just leave me the hell alone. That is one of the most wonderous things to me, no matter my emotion or anger or resentment.. God is still there & I know it. Some days it's been so dark that I couldn't see Him or feel Him, but that's when my faith kicks in. Even with the faith I have, I am sometimes at a loss.. I literally don't know what to pray. I've always had this sort of "conversation" like prayer.. Like I am talking to a friend and I've found myself lately just saying ya know what.. I don't even know what to say to you or ask of you in this weird awkward hard stressful emotional time, but thank You for the faith to know that even that is ok. Tonight is one of those nights.. I'm tearful and missing my dad and a little homesick and a lot of things have just collided all at once and my emotions and brain and heart are just scrambled.. So tonight I am just praying for sleep.. Keep it simple right?! I really should learn to meditate.. 

Random thoughts

Friendships are a strange and sensitive thing, at least for me it seems. As a kid growing up I was always surrounded with people, I had a lot of friends. It was kind of in stages I guess. There were the normal "groups" in middle school and into highschool and then college. It's strange to me sometimes the way our lives connect and overlap with others and then can so abruptly do an about face as if the friendship never existed. 

There is a group of girls I grew up with, played softball with, was in brownies &girl scouts  with, and shared my life with that have all managed to stay together and connected through college and now into our adult years. When I read posts or see pictures of these "reunions" that happen every so often I get quite sad a always feel a little hurt.  I've never quite felt like I belong anywhere, with any certain group of people.  Most days I am perfectly happy with that, but on days like today it tugs on my heart a little to not have that kind of long life connection with anyone. Now don't get me wrong, my best friend Lauren is the bestest of best friends and I love her more than anything, but our friendship began in our adult years, so we have PLENTY of good stories and even better memories, but not that "oh do you remember in second grade when.." And sometimes when you run across a picture of the "old crew" in highschool or at a softball tournament you wonder if life would be different if those people were still in your life like they are for each other. 

I'm sounding rather whiney tonight & that's not my intention, so until I can collect my thoughts more clearly.. 

gain it.. lose it.. gain it..

over a year ago I broke down & went to the "low carb" way of life. it's documented in some of my previous posts. I lost 30lbs in about 3 months. it was wonderful. I felt wonderful, had energy for the first time in years, and actually slept through the night. was it a tough change for me, yes. was it totally worth it, HELL YES! I am very sad to say, however, that I have now gained all the weight back. I know, I know.. "diet this And diet that" but it wasn't a diet for me.. well, now it seems that it was, and I can't even explain why! it was a gradual return to junk & processed foods & convenience  foods & soda.. oh soda. 

Kelvin & I have been discussing getting back to a healthier lifestyle & it's funny to me how a junk filled sugar ridden life is the norm because it's the easiest. but it's really not the easiest, it is simply what we have become accustomed to, conditioned to & IT SUCKS! Plus, I now know 2 people who have been diagnosed with pre-diabetes within the last 2 months & I am currently "coaching" my best friend through the "low carb" way of life! And so dear ones, the time has come.. I want to feel alive again, but mostly I want to just fit into my cute clothes without looking like tennis balls stuffed inside a pair of panty hose!! 

My challenge: 10lbs by Halloween- I'll need all the pep talks I can!! I'm a pretty good motivator as long as I can see results. you'll be on the journey with me! at least I'm not a rookie this time, I've got some good tricks when cravings kick in. 

cheers to getting healthy, losing weight, having energy, and sleeping soundly, and of course.. fitting into last years clothes!! 

loves and hugs- S

Hey Baby.. It's only life

So, sometimes I find myself so caught up in all of the "stuff" that I forget that this life is just that.. it's just life! I get so stressed and worried and caught up in not being a great mom or wife or friend or teacher that i just want to bury my head under the covers and hide for some peace!

THis week at work has been an eventful one.  Without going into too much detail.. I am a part of the Union and the union doesn't like something the administration is changing or wanting to change and so everyone is in an uproar about it all.  There are some of us that are calling BS and just want out of the whole dang thing.  We joked that we were gonna make t-shirts like "Team Jacob or Team Edward' because it's gotten that ridiculous.  I see both sides, I get both sides.  Just let me come in, teach my class, and do my job so I can go home to my family.  If I have a bad day at work because of some bozo's being all butt hurt about something they actually don't seem to have all the facts on then the rest of my day is shot.. then i come home and don't want to hang out or play, i want to sit on the couch and do NOTHING! it sucks the life out of you, it really really does.

Back to it.. so i was thinking the other day & this song "hey baby, it's only life" came on and I LOVED it.. it goes something like this:

Don't look away, don't run away .. hey baby, it's only life
Don't loose your faith, don't run away .. hey baby.. it's only life

and that clicked with me for some reason.  It is only life, an hour, a day, an evening, a class.  That's what we get, 24 hours to make something of ourselves.  If we don't, then we start over the next day.  So there ya go- my rant for the evening.. sort of.. more later!

-S

Reflection

Have you ever had a moment or span of time in your life where you are just surviving? Surviving from one hour to the next, one morning to the afternoon, or one day to the next? I feel as if I am in that season of survival. I normally with very well under pressure or with high levels of stress, but I have found myself in tears under the weight of such stress here lately. When one area of my life is complicated and messy, I can usually throw myself into the other parts of my life to kind of balance out the emotion and clear my head, but that isn't the case as of right now. All areas of my life seem complicated and messy and there doesn't seem to be a comfortable or comforting place to just .. be. I know it is just another "season" but I am VERY ready for this season to pass. And so, I write (or type in this case)

Part of my "first year Ohio teaching" is to keep a "journal" or a log of related topics throughout the year. We have all been paired up with mentors for the first couple of years to try to help with the transition into this life. Brecka, my mentor, has given me my first reflection topic & since I "journal" here already, I've decided that this is how I will keep up with those entries- 

When you are planning a lesson, are you planning for a group or are you planning on each student to gain a skill? what effect will that have on your lesson? 

 This has actually changed for me over the course of my teaching. The smaller my class, the more individual attention I can give them, thus the better my lesson . I started out (even this year) tailoring my lessons to each individual becoming/doing the best that they could do.. playing up each student's strengths. But I have quickly found that with 30 students and a very cramped work space that that specific way of teaching doesn't provide very consistent results. I haven't really found my footing yet when it comes to being in 10 places at once or trying to get each student to just finish 1 sauce!! I know it's a fluctuation of emotions, like a big roller coaster, and I'd like to say that I teach to each individual student because I do believe each student has potential to at least get better/be better.. I just haven't found the balance of how to direct a lab full of students in ALL aspects of the education process & ability. Today i feel like I suck as a teacher 😕 I'm sure tomorrow will be better, at least I hope it will! Sorry for the sour note this evening.. more later

A catch up of sorts

I start this post in the dark of a hotel room in Findlay, OH just as Fenway is starting to wake up and babble to herself.  We are up getting Kelvin settled in and visiting him in our "home away from home" since he will be staying here on the days that he works.  

I am now in week 5 of work and just did my first "parent call outs" to the parents of mine whose child has a D or an F in my class.  It was weird.  To be quite frank, it has all been a little weird.  I am SO very used to college aged/adults in class and teaching teenagers a whole new ball game.  One I am honestly not sure that I want to be a part of more than a season.  I am really hoping that as the year progress that I come more accustomed to the "style" of teaching I've had to develop and can learn to love it as much as I loved my college classes.  

For the first time I am really seeing what damage has been done to younger generations.  I remember being a teenager, believe it or not, but we weren't lazy.  We didn't feel entitled.  I'm sure there were some, as there is with every group, but just as a whole.. I am terrified of what the world will be like, what the culture will be like when Fenway is that age.  There is no respect, no want to learn, and this entitlement of you should just "give it to me" whether it be a grade or a "free day" or "your notes" its amazing.  It is definitely a major reality check and challenge. for me.  I am still adapting and finding my way & I've had several great days with both labs, but then others I am just trudging through to the end of the day & I have never had that feeling before when teaching.  

And the meetings.. OMG THE MEETINGS - I am already barely keeping my head above water with trying to keep up with my next day's lesson (which I am planning the afternoon before & has my OCD and control freak planning at an all time extreme..) and all the events and paperwork and grading etc.  and then they throw in at least 3 meetings a week.. I mean I get it.. actually I don't.  Send me an email and let me work through it myself when I actually some time to breathe.  Or just throw it on my pile. I don't eat lunch most days because I am trying to plan my class for my senior lab! At least I know i'm not in the boat by myself.. several of the teachers I have spoken with feel the same way and are overwhelmed right now, even a few veteran teachers, so that at least makes me feel like not such a nutcase! 

So, as you see - I haven't had much time for updating or writing in general and boy have I felt it! My stress level is at an all time high and my face is freaking out and breaking out, it sucks.  Fenway is officially awake and squawking at me, thus I must put on my Mommy cap & being the day.. More to come lovelies.. much more to come 

-S

not fitting in

It is so insane to me how my mind works sometimes.  That I am a 29 year old successful woman, a wife of 6 years, a mother of an almost 3 year old, a college graduate, a chef, and a teacher.. and yet I seem to forever be a 10-12 year old girl in my mind hoping and praying to fit in.  It is so strange to me, I am so strange to me sometimes and I don't understand why, despite all of the wonderful qualities I possess & who I have grown into or become as an adult, that I am still searching and needing to be liked.

Let me explain my latest moment:  I said in my last post that I had finished my first assignment for my class.  Our first 2 assignments are posted in the "discussion board" where all of the students can view & post replies to your comments.  I just realized that I have logged on 3 plus times JUST to see if anyone has posted a reply to my comments.  SERIOUSLY!! To add insult to injury (no matter how imaginary..) no one has.  The replies I have left asking questions have not been answered either, however, they have answered others.  I know how silly and ridiculous it sounds & I have ABSOLUTELY no idea why I feel so..let down.  Why do I want to fit in with these people whom I have never met & most likely never will?  I double and triple check my entries to make sure they don't sound stupid or uneducated.  Normally, I am a terrific writer, well spoken with witty remarks and good points.  In both of my "discussions" I sound like a weird kid.. a teenager maybe.. Not the well educated, well spoken woman that I am.  I am sure that I am over analyzing, but that doesn't make my anxiety about it any less real or my anxiety about my anxiety any less frustrating!

When does one "come into their own" or "become their own person?" At what point in my life will just being me be enough?

-S

I'm an official college student... again

I just completed my first assignment for my online class with Bowling Green State University!

Let me explain: I accepted the position with Butler Tech, but have to finish some credits to get my Bachelors Degree & to get a teaching certificate in Ohio.  So, I have been enrolled in the Career & Technical Teaching online degree program with BGSU & I am proud to say that I just completed my first assignment! It was only introducing myself & replying to 2 other students.. but hey, ya gotta start somewhere right?!

I am beyond stressed about the move and transition, but super excited as well.. as of right now I am just sunburned (more on that later) and sleepy..

out with the old.. and in with the new

so much to tell.. too much really for one post, so I will try to make it short and sweet.

I have enjoyed being a stay at home mom for the last few months, I've really enjoyed my dedicated time to my heart.. my fenway.  with that being said, I have gotten restless & have been for some time now.  After the Le Cordon Bleu job didn't work out, I was heart broken and pretty down on myself.  I REALLY wanted that job & literally had it in my hands, but had to let it go for what was best for my family at the time.  but.. the restlessness didn't go away. it got stronger in fact.

That restlessness, prayers, and God's little push/shove in the direction I believe He is leading us is...Hamilton, OHIO.. yes, you read it. OHIO - a teaching position with Butler Tech, specifically D. Russel Lee Career and Technology program. We went up this past week (Kelvin, Fenway & myself) took the 14 hour drive up for my face to face interview & teaching a class.  Apparently they LOVED me & I got the job offered on the spot.  SO, in a mater of weeks we will be moving across te the coutry where no one knows us & starting a new job that I am going to LOVE. I'm finding it pretty amazing when you are able to just wait.. wait on God.. on His answers.. on His timing.  That has been and will continue to be my prayer through all of this.  If this is your path, shove me through it! open the doors and gates and lead us through.  Also help the transition be easy and smooth.  Show me what it is that you have me to do here- and trust that You are the ultimate dream maker- This is my dream and we are following in your footsteps behind any open doors!

More later, once my head has time to deflate!!

-S

silver lining in a dark cloud

I wrote yesterday about the dog that had gone missing after he & his owner were in a fatal car wreck on Sunday & that everyone in our community was out searching for him - HE WAS FOUND TODAY! safe & sound - he was spotted near the wreck site this afternoon, so his breeder took his (Duke the dog) father out there & called for him & Duke came right to them.  I know it's just a dog, but to know that he will be living with his owners daughters and can bring them some type of comfort & he wasn't hurt or killed in the accident as well is very heartwarming.  They found him in time to take him to the visitation/viewing of Jeff this evening.  There were literally hundreds of people out looking for this pooch.  I myself went out this morning when someone spotted a "look alike" & searched for awhile. It is so weird that such a tramatic event can bring so many people together.  It sparked a deep discussion between Kelvin & I tonight about our thoughts on the subject & what would happen should we or someone we know go missing & so on.  It got heated, but was in the long run a very good discussion.  I hope you all take the time out to hug your loved ones.. tell them you love them each and every time you leave, you really never know when it could be your last..

-Sara

at a loss with no understanding

anytime someone dies suddenly, whether it be from an accident or an unexpected illness it devastates me.  Even if I do not know the person well or at all, just hearing about it and the family & loved ones that are left behind just absolutely breaks my heart.  Over the past month 4 people that I know of have died suddenly.  I want to pay tribute to them here, even though I didn't know them personally, I know what it is to be the loved one grieving & reeling from the sudden disappearance of your loved one. 

Kevin Guy, 28 - father of 3 (2 boys, one being 7 months old & a girl) husband to wife Angie - He caught a crazy, rare, bacterial pneumonia from hunting & his lungs shut down.  He fought very hard but God had other plans for him.  My heart, tears, & prayers go to his wife & mostly his children.  I know what it is to lose a father @ such a young age.  It's something they will live with FOREVER

Eddie Pettigrew- 48 - father of 4, stepfather of 3. He was the husband of a former church member & mother of an old friend.  He was on blood pressure medication & wasn't watching his diet.. he had a stroke & it killed him.  His wife, Angela, has a 3 year old little boy (all their other children are adults) and just decided to be a stay at home mom about a year ago.. Their entire world is upside down, not to mention other major family issues that she has had to endure over the past 3-4 years.  I just don't understand sometimes how God and lay so much on one person's shoulders.  I understand the premise is "give it to God, He will walk you through it" and so on, and I believe that, BUT I still don't understand the hardships that some of us, some of you, walk through on a daily basis.. while others (not so great people) seem to get off scot free. I know that's not "really" the case in the long run, when it comes to eternity and so on, but that doesn't make our life here on earth any easier.. just saying.

The last two were killed YESTERDAY in a head on collision in my home town (where I had my near fatal wreck 12 years ago)

Jeff Crosswhite - 50's - Jeff was apparently a VERY beloved man in our town.  He owned one of the local Crawfish Huts & played softball.  Social media is going NUTS over the loss of this man, father, & friend.  His dog, a boxer named Duke, was with him when the wreck happened & was not found ANYWHERE on scene so there is a literal manhunt/doghunt going on for this dog.  People that have no idea who this guy is/was have come out to hunt & look hoping to find him to return him to Jeff's daughters in the deepest time of grieving.  If we lived closer to the area I would be right there with them.  Something about animals bonds people together.  It is amazing to see how a community will come together to help those grieving around them.  All I can say is that I hope that when my time does come that my family receives the same kind of outpouring of love that this family has received & that I am spoken of as highly as Jeff is and will continue to be.  Prayers & love for his family & those grieving his loss.

Daniel Squibb - 17 - there are no words to describe a pain this deep. I was 16 when I had my near fatal wreck & remember the anguish my mom went through those first few hours when I was in and out of consciousness.  I can not imagine what his family is going through right now.  I REALLY don't understand this.. I will never understand someone so young with so much to live for being taken.  I know accidents happen and yada yada but why can't they happen to someone who deserves them to happen to?! Why not some 90 year old who had lived a full life, why not a crack head that doesn't want to live, why not someone who desperately wants to die & begs to die on a daily basis just to escape this life.. why take a happy, healthy, teenager that has his whole life in front of him?! once again, I have no words..

I am a Christian, I am saved, I believe that upon my death I will rise with my savior Jesus Christ & live forever in the kingdom of heaven.  but just because I am all of those thing & believe all of those things doesn't mean that I don't have the right to be angry.  It doesn't mean that I don't have the right to not understand & question God about why.  Does my anger & questioning make Him any less of a God or me any less of a believer?! No. It makes Him God & me HUMAN.  I wish people would stop saying "He'll never give you more than you can handle" - THAT IS A LOAD OF BS - and.. someone please show me in the Bible where that is quoted - you can't, because IT'S NOT! God will never give you more than HE can handle.. but not you. 

So tonight, I am angry & sad & mad & grieving for those that have lost loved ones too soon & for the children that will grow up without a father because it is hard & it only gets harder as you get older.  I will always question why God, why this person and why now.. We were not made to understand such things, but that's ok because God knows that.  He does not get angry with our anger or resentful with our questions.  I know there is a bigger plan, a bigger picture that my humanness can't see until I am with my father (and my dad/granddad/grandmother) in my eternal home, but sometimes I really just wish I could get a glimpse.. to know what it all means.. to know that it's not all for nothing.

So for those of you out there reading (there has to be at least one.. I hope..maybe?!) please say a quick prayer for these families.. they are hurting more than anyone can imagine & this is something everyone can do no matter who you are or whether you know them or not.. let's all be a flicker of light in this very dark time -

To you Kevin, Eddie, Jeff, & Daniel - you are remembered & your families are in our thoughts & prayers.

I got my wish -

Monday I had said that our "sleety/freeze" day was just a tease & that I wanted to have at least 1 REAL snow day this year like we have had every other year since I can remember.. well today was that day! It started snowing around 9am and didn't stop until 4ish this afternoon! It was such a fantastic day, except that Kelvin still had to go to work =( Fenway & I made an upside down snowman (he was standing on his head!) sadly he got tired and fell over a few hours later.. we made snow ice cream, Kota got to run & play in the snow, it was beautiful, there are pics posted all over social media of families out together having a good old fashioned family snow day.  all the schools were closed & most people were off of work.  It was great to see everyone unplug for awhile & spend some good quality time together. I'll post our pics later once my phone finishes updating & I can move them over to our computer.  Kelvin's mom came over for awhile tonight and we played and - played and played and played some more (there may have been a glass of wine & a wine cooler thrown in there too.. hehe) but overall, it was my wish come true.  Sadly, over 7,000 people in the surrounding area are without power.  Our local churches & Red Cross have setup shelters around the area for those that don't have any heat & some schools have closed again tomorrow because of this.  Thankfully we DO have power, but I was prepared anyway!! You really never know when some type of disaster or emergency may hit & with a little one with us now, I can't be over prepared.  Hope you all are having a warm & cozy night -

-Sara

cold & sleety..

I dunno if "sleety" is an actual word, I doubt it, but you get the gist!  So in Texarkana, when the weather even starts to look like it may sleet/freezing rain/snow the entire town goes flipping nuts.. NUTS!! It was pretty funny last night & this morning reading the posts on facebook from parents about schools closing (or not closing) - it was 34-36 degrees this morning with NO PRECIPITATION & parents were pissed that school wasn't canceled! Then around 10 am it did start LIGHTLY sleeting & the entire town went crazy.  Most area schools ended up letting out early (1 or 2 vs 3..) and all schools have opted for a delay start for tomorrow morning, even though it hasn't sleeted/rained/snowed for hours now.  Oh the life of living in East Texas where just 2-3 days ago it was 70 degrees..

On a family note- due to pure safety precautions, Fenway has started sleeping in her own room.  For over a year now she has always slept in her crib or pack & play in our room.  First out of necessity (we didn't have another room @ our old house) and then because of my proctective mama bear emotions.  I just liked having her in the room with us, it makes me feel so much more secure, especially when Kelvin works nights - anyway - last night I laid her down as I always do & as I was writing my last post I heard her squeal so I went to check on her.  There was my 2 1/2 year old mountain climber planking on the edge of her pack & play!! she had gotten her body pillow just right & was able to scale the sides! I wish I could have gotten a picture, but safety is more important that a captured moment on film.. So, into her own room & big crib she went.  I didn't sleep very well as I went to check on her every hour.. she however, did fantastic & slept through the night. 

Since we're on the subject of Kelvin working nights - a few months ago I posted a rant about his not getting the job he was up for because of the misunderstanding about the "credit card" while he was on a business trip in Ohio, well, he DID get the second position!! now this is kinda hush hush still, so SHHHH! I am so incredibly proud of him & for him! They are still working out the money thing & overtime thing, but he will go from working a month on days/month on nights to M-F 7-3:30!! We get our daddy & hubby back & I am so flipping excited! He has worked his ass off for this job & he SO deserves it! He is living proof that hard work & dedication can pay off - CONGRATS KELVIN BROOK - I am so so so so so proud & happy for you.. and I love you =)

We are hoping to hear from the genetics Dr. tomorrow about Fenway's appointment with them, so fingers crossed that it's sooner rather than later-

Today's "precipitation" just kinda made me mad. I LOVE snow.. LOVE LOVE snow.. and normally we have at least 1 good snowy day a year, but today was really just a tease.  So, I have my fingers crossed that we have one more actual "snow day" coming to us before winter leaves us-

What does your town do when it snows/rains/sleets/precipitates?! Are they as crazy as East TX?

Have a great evening lovelies -
-Sara

and I'm back -

So to catch you all up on what has happened over the last several months -

I accepted the job @ Le Cordon Bleu Dallas.  Kelvin & I went to find a house or apartment & to look for a nanny/sitter/daycare for Fenway.  We had also decided that Kelvin was going to stay in Texarkana for awhile & continue working until he could hopefully transfer to the plant in Dallas.  Long story short- EVERYTHING that could have gone wrong, did.  My prayer had been "God, if this opportunity isn't the right choice, please close the door for it" and boy DID HE EVER! So, after a lot of thought & discussion, I ended up having to decline the job.  I was heartbroken, still am a little, but it was what was best for our little family for now.  I do feel extremely stupid for quitting my job before I knew the LCB one was a for sure thing, but I guess ya live ya learn.  So for now, I am a stay at home mom/wife.  It's going ok.  not great, but ok.  It's more of a transition than I thought it would be, plus Kelvin is working crazy hours to make up for my loss of income & that sucks.  There really isn't any other job here in Texarkana that I can do, so I have thought about going to nursing school.  That is another career that I am interested in & that I could make a good career of here in TK.

We did move into the house in Texarkana, AR & I love it.  2 things that I don't like about it - the back yard floods when it rains & there are wasps.. tons and tons of wasps.  We have had a very warm winter & every time we have a warm day we are finding 1-4 wasps in the house.  IT IS AWFUL.  We have had a pest company come & spray for them but they are still here!!

Fenway had an MRI done a couple of weeks ago & we got the results.  They did give us some answers.  She has what is called: Chiari Malformation of the brain.  This means that the cerebral tonsils (the padding in the brain that cushions the cerebellum) have herniated through the base of her skull & are being pinched.  So those nerves are not working correctly & could be causing most if not all of her symptoms & delays.  There may also be a back up of CFS (spinal cord fluid) but we won't know that until we meet with the specialists.  There is a surgery that can be done to relieve the pressure, BUT there are some serious risks to the surgery & there is no guarantee that it would alleviate her symptoms.  We will know more in the coming weeks once we get in to see the specialists.  It is extremely scary & nerve wracking, but we are thankful that we finally have some answers as to what is causing the delay. 

We got a dog.  He's a French Mastiff named Kota & I absolutely love him.  The dog hair & extra vacuuming not so much, but he is wonderful.  Kelvin isn't too keen on him.. he's only ever had puppies, never a "dog" so he kinda freaks him out some.  He is very well trained, but he still has some puppy in him so he barks & tries to jump & play with Fenway & kelvin doesn't like it.  We may end up having to find him a new home though =( If all of this plays out with fenway the way we're afraid it will then we will have to be extra careful about her falling or getting knocked down, so with him being so big, that's an issue.  I'm hoping that getting him neutered next week will help calm him down some, so we will see.  I am already in love with him & will be heartbroken if we have to find him a new home, but Fenway comes first. 

That's pretty much it for now.. we finally got a new computer (I had always updated from my work computer..) so I will be able to post much more often now! Will keep everyone updated on Fenway's condition as we know more. Until then - Hope your life is wonderful!

-Sara

a new opportunity..

after my last post about being restless & unhappy in the "job" area of my life, I decided to do something about it! So I posted my resume online on a few sites just to see if I would get a bite and you know what.. I DID! Several in fact! That simple fact alone helped boost my "blues" to light green or almost pink.  So I'm gonna make a long story short - 

Le Cordon Bleu of Dallas has a full time instructor job opening.  I am up for the position.  They want to have the position filled in 3 WEEKS.. yep, the start date is DECEMBER 29.  that's INSANE right?! my first interview went very well & I have a second interview today with the campus director.  but if all goes well, we would be packing up and moving 3ish hours away, moving fenway around to a new facility (or trying to find a nanny), I would be starting a new job (teaching), and kelvin and I would be separated during the week for a few months until he can get his job moved.. ALL IN 3 WEEKS! Plus, all this worry may be for nothing, they could choose to NOT offer me the position.. but I've got my fingers crossed.  CROSS YOUR FINGERS TOO!! 

It would be a wonderful opportunity.  I miss teaching dearly.  The pay is quite a bit more than I am making now.  We want to move out of this area & somewhere new. The hours are workable with vacation & all weekends off. It's a much bigger city, so once Fenway is settled there are MANY more opportunities for her & her therapy.  There is a Cooper Tire warehouse there that Kelvin could transfer to.  The housing market isn't too insane (a little more than what we rent for now..) so all in all it is a great opportunity, BUT, I am still scared! This would be huge.. and IN 3 WEEKS.. I think that is the thing that has me freaking out a bit, that I don't have time to really assess and make a plan and execute.  And then my mind reverts back to : dude, they haven't formally offered you the job yet so quit freaking out!! - AHHHHHAAAHHHH! 

Ok, i'm done =) My interview is @ 3:00 today, I'll let you lovelies know how it goes - FINGERS CROSSED XX

-Sara

restless

I think for everything there is a season.  I'm am currently in a season of restlessness.  I can't seem to shake it not matter what I do.  I have read a lot lately about "being content" in your life, whatever & wherever God has placed you that sometimes He simply asks that we be content our current circumstances.  While I believe in that, I also believe that He can make you restless to invoke change.  Change in location, in mindset, in friendships, in family, in work, in your calling, simply in life.  My current situation revolves around my job.  This time last year I left a job I loved because I was at my wits end, I disliked the director of our culinary program & what was worse was that I had no respect for him at all.  I woke up every day not wanting to go to work because I didn't want to have to deal with his B.S. It was at that time I started saying a simple prayer - God, put me where you want me to be.  Grab my hand and lead me or hold me steady.  It was just a few days later that I put in for my current job & all the doors & windows seemed to simply open up seamlessly & so I walked through them.  

While the hours are great (8-4 M-F) with christmas & summers off.. and the pay is.. decent (about $4,000 less than I was making) and the drive time is less (45 min vs 1.5 hours..) I am restless.  I miss teaching DEARLY.  I miss preparing for my upcoming class & learning more and more each year so that I can teach my students.  I miss sharing my knowledge with others.  I miss being a chef & being in the kitchen every day teaching something new & getting my hands dirty.  I do NOT miss the 30+ lbs I gain each year because of tasting, but I can work around that!

I am also in a season of wanting to move.  To get out of this place that I have called home for most of my life.  There is simply not anything tying us here.  Our extended family situation is.. complicated.. at best.  I would still see my mom just as much if we moved as we do now living in the same town.  I'm not even going to get started on Kelvin's family right now.  I want to just pick up & start somewhere new, reinvent ourselves & our family to make it what WE want it to be.

On a whim last week, I put in several job applications.. just to see what would happen, would I get a bite or not?  Well, I did! One from a start-up company in IL & one from Le Cordon Bleu in Dallas for a chef instructor position!  I haven't been able to actually get the guy on the phone to have an actual interview for Dallas, but it was a definite ego boost to even get a call back.  Sometimes I think maybe we just need a little "pick me up" to get us out of our funk.. and sometimes that pick me up may lead to the rest of your life.

I'm not sure yet which of those it is for me, but I will let you know as soon as I figure it out!!

Fingers crossed guys XX

-Sara

a sensitive issue, no judgement needed -

suicide. that word strikes fear into the heart and minds of many many many people.  Those that have lost someone to it are some of the most heart sick people I have ever known.  There are so many opinions, thoughts, judgments. There has been major controversy over the last few months about the young woman with cancer that moved to Oregon so that she could choose how to end her own life.  Technically that is suicide.. living with her cancer or dying from her cancer was not how she wanted to live OR die, so she chose to take her own life.. that simple.

For those that have never dealt with depression or severe anxiety, even the though of taking your own life is selfish & unjustifiable.  To some there will NEVER be a though or a reason that severe to end your own life.  The phrase "it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem" springs to mind. I do not condone suicide, but I do understand it.

I have battled depression since I was a teenager.  Mind numbing, life altering anxiety and depression.  I have fought with suicide more than once in my life & it is a very very scary place to be.  I have been judged, belittled, ridiculed, and told that I was the most selfish person on the planet for even having thoughts like that or "being able to even consider something like that" - It is by the grace of God that I am still here with all my faculties as some would say!

Depression/Anxiety/Mental Disorders are not something you can CONTROL.  You can control your reactions as best as you can, but when something like this gets a hold of you, it is something that you have to fight every single day to overcome & beat. It's like being in a pitch dark cave, blinded, trying to crawl your way out with no sense of direction.   I hate hearing people talk about others that suffer with such issues.. things like "they are so weak, they should be able to control it, they're making it up for attention, that is so stupid" it makes my blood boil.  If someone breaks their leg, you're not there telling them to walk on it! they're not weak or stupid or doing it for attention to get a cast put on it and let it heal are they?! No. you allow them to have the proper treatment & rest & sometimes physical therapy and then you go on about your life.

For some people, suicide is their only option.  It is the only cure for their current illness/disease/predicament/whatever you want to call it.  For them, life is the illness.  Even when reaching out, talking about it, taking medication (that can sometimes cause it to worsen..) doesn't help, doesn't make any difference.  Something in their brain simply doesn't process, the darkness is too overwhelming.  Just because they don't have a "terminal illness" but don't want to live this life anymore or die a horrible agonizing painful death doesn't mean they are weak or stupid.  It simply means that they have been dealt really sucky cards that they were not equipped to handle for whatever awful reason.  For some, simply living is a terminal illness in itself.

Personally, I am too afraid to actually kill myself.  Even in all of the torment & anguish I have gone through & put myself & my family through, I could never actually go through with the act of killing myself.  I am too scared.  I am from a Christian home and I am a christian myself & so I believe that suicide = going to hell.  That fear, the fear of Hell vs Heaven, never seeing my dad or grandparents or living eternally with God in a mansion made for me on the streets of gold, of eternal damnation.. that fear is enough to keep me grounded.  Now, I have wished & prayed for God to just take me.  To spare someone else's life that deserves it, that will make something of themselves, that have a family & a full life to live, that WANT to be here.. I have begged on my knees some nights for that.  I have sat in tears in the closet or on the bathroom floor to just be taken away, swept away, because I feel like I don't belong here, in this world.  And then the feeling passes and the tears dry up and I pick myself up and move on.  But it is always there, lurking in the back of my head & heart.  I have to fight the battle most days to keep it from attacking me.  This does NOT make me weak or stupid or selfish.  This makes me human.  Wounded, but human.

I have my faith & my daughter Fenway to help me fight through those rough days & nights.  I have a best friend & a mom that know my struggle that I can call anytime I need them to just talk me down.  When someone is in a state like that, a manic or panic situation, there is no logic.  All there is, is darkness.  For me, it's literally the angel/devil on your shoulder kinda thing.  There is a constant conversation going on in my head, good & bad & me wrestling with it.  Is my life awful? No.  My life is pretty good compared to many many people.  I have a job, family, a few friends, and my faith.  Depression knows NO boundaries & has no limits.  It's not selective.  It's hell on earth.

What about those people that don't have any of that.  That don't have a family or a best friend or their faith.  They have nothing.  They have to live with the demons that haunt them every minute of every day without having any escape from it.  Cancer of the soul. Sometimes, unfortunately enough, no matter how much you talk, how many medications they are on, or how long you try it is simply not enough, they can not endure any longer & they want to choose their own way out.  To those that have been there or may be there now.. I am sorry.  I am sorry you were dealt the life & cards you were, I am sorry that life is hard & no one seems to understand.. I & OTHERS LIKE YOU DO UNDERSTAND & YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are NOT the only one fighting this battle, you are not weak or silly or stupid, no matter who thinks or says that to you. YOU ARE NOT! You are precious and wonderful and brave.. Brave because you continue to battle something that you can not see with the hope that it will get better.   My wish and prayer for those of you that are here is that you can find something to ground you.  Faith or friends or family.. that it does get better.. even in all of the darkness, there is light.. reach for it.  When the darkness closes in, close you eyes & let it consume you.. feel all the bad, the grief, the hurt, the anger, the bitterness, the resentment, the bad - feel it all.  Cry, scream, hide.. whatever it is that YOU need to do.  Because in my experience, only when you feel it, every horrible bad heartbreaking thing, then it doesn't have power over you anymore.  Blocking it out or trying to keep it from overtaking you is like putting a shoe string on a door to lock it when an army is charging through.  Only once you allow yourself to feel it all can you start to heal from it.  It's not an easy process, and it's not a one time thing.  But the battle is worth it.  you are worth it.

Hugs & laughter & understanding are the best remedies.  If you are ever faced with someone that battles with this issue, simply listen.  Tell them that they are loved or needed or wanted in this life.  Judgement is NOT helpful.  Sometimes all it takes to pull someone off a ledge is the simple act of REALLY caring.  Saying "hey, I'm here.. I don't understand this or what you're going through, but I will not judge you because of it.  I am here & I care enough to say that.  I care enough to ask you to stay.." Sometimes someone just needs one reason to stay in this life.. you could be that one..

-Sara